One foot after the other
This blog is the testament of my evolution, better or worse illustrated, the distinction is clear. I am not the same person I once was. None of us are, but I’ve made changes and have continued to seek them consciously. I’ve taken a direction. And I want, briefly, to emphasize that last sentence.
I always wanted to change my ways, my surroundings, and I planned. I planned, and I devised all sorts of systems to achieve my goals according to a life I believed was desirable (though it lacked a clear purpose). However, I didn’t take action. It’s not that I didn’t know how or when; it just didn’t click. The different parts of my life weren’t balanced enough to build a firm bridge to the other side. My holistic order was unbalanced and my dopamine abused. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I was able, little by little, to build from the ruins a path with greater clarity.
And, curiously, the feeling that now overwhelms me, unlike before, is one of, let’s say, frustration. A kind of annoyance that makes me reject and avoid the excuses that still arise, but no longer have the same power. It felt as if, overnight, I was invaded by a need to create, as if I had connected to the source and needed to drain. And I drained by creating my small website, and I drained by creating a character and the skeleton of their story, and with other things that, to this day, I’ve been steadily working on. Not always with the same intensity, but it’s progress. This wasn't by chance despite of that, really. I think little by little my introspection began breaking down the barriers, and my focus made the stairs easier to climb.
Another proof of this change is happening right now. I found out late that I had a midterm on Thursday; only three days to study two topics from the subject I like the least: Prehistory. In the past, such an amount of information and complexity with so little time would have made me back down. It’s a midterm, why bother? I wouldn’t even have tried. But now, even with the uncertainty and the slim chances, I’ve sat down to study the material. I still have one more day to study, and things aren’t fully settled yet, but I’m not a bundle of nerves. My previous fear wasn’t about time or lack of focus, it was a terror of failure that outweighed my common sense and resilience.
The grading process couldn’t be more detached; I don’t even have to see the professor’s face when they hand me the exam back, and they don’t bother (nor do they need) to justify the grade in an email. I simply receive a message with the result. And yet, I used to be afraid to even show up, for fear of making a fool of myself… before whom? Before myself, and the dozens of voices of people I know that live inside me and whom I fear disappointing.
Well, honestly, dear reader, I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of excuses, of expectations, of clinging to the same narrative. The former version of me keeps showing her ears time and again, and I let her come out to play, to drain, but I won’t let her take control. I feel like I’m leaping into another chapter. What challenges will I overcome?